Don't Know What's Real Anymore

I feel like my head's all messed up and I don't know what's real anymore. It's good not to be too much aware of that I've left, 'cause it makes me less sad and makes that I can go on like nothing ever happened. But that's the problem, I don't want to go on like nothing happened, 'cause things did happen and I miss everyone so much. Just being there. Being able to visit everyone whenever I want. And right now I feel I just don't realize I've left or maybe even that I've ever been there at all. And I don't really dare to go outside as I know that everything I see will remind me I'm not there anymore. On Monday sitting in the car I didn't really dare to look out the window and when walking on the street I kept looking down at the pavement. Looking around me I don't see Parkwood anymore, I don't see familiar faces appear in the crowds of people. Well, I do think I see familiar faces, but of course that's just my imagination. I'm scared of seeing someone I know who will ask me what it was like in Canterbury and I will just break down, 'cause I miss it way too much still. It's too early to really talk about it. Here nothing changed and everything seems just the way it used to be. I feel noone really understands what I miss and what all of this has meant to me. It was not just an experience another thing to add to my life. It was my life. And until Saturday I was still in it, still living it. There was no reason to leave, to give it up. It was still going on. I miss all the friends I made. I even miss the faces of all those people I didn't know, but just saw on a daily basis. I miss everything, the whole place. Now it seems like it just didn't exist. I want to get it back, but I can't. It's hard not being able to look in people's eyes anymore, having them just sitting next to you. But as I said before so far I now manage to move on. Looking back isn't a good thing, 'cause it will only bring sadness, but part of me wants to. I want to go through that feeling of missing everyone. I want to think about it, 'cause I love thinking about it. It means so much to me. But i can't afford being sad all the time, it wouldn't be fair to people here. But it's just so difficult. I never cried when I went back to Parkwood and left The Netherlands. I missed it a bit, but never that much. It was because I didn't really have anything here apart from family, friends. But now I know what it feels like to be homesick. And it isn't like I did any extraordinary things over the last couple of days. All we did was meet up etc. but that is what made my life so nice. Being among friends, people you enjoy, care for. Going to visit all these places with friends, whenever you felt like it. Go dance, eat, watch movies, go for walks, or just talk, spend time together, nomatter how, what it was we did, as long as it was together it was great. Seeing all those friendly faces every single day and just spend time together. Be with people you want to be with and who want to be with you. We were all in it together and it was so nice to be able to share all this with all of you. Noone can take it away from us. Ever. I will cherish every second.